Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I love having hate sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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