He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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