I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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