Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
