You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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