Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
