You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
