Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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