A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize