Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
