R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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