Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
