i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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