a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
