only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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