I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
