Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Quick, to the slutcave!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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