god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
