Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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