I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
