I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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