I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
