Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
