You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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