I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
