I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
