i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
