just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
