He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
