the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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