I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
