ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
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Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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