I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
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im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
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I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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