bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
