Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
