No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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