These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
