I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
