not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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