i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
