I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I did not marry a roomba.
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