Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
as a side note pls kill me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
