How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
