Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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