Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
