getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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