Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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