Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
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I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
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You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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