Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
