I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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