His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
