if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
