Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
