I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
