Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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